Today... I write

 Today...  I write.  No more procrastination.  No more excuses.  No more I will do it laters.

Today...  I write.

In the silence, my mind wonders free

A blank screen and flashing cursor stare at me

Every flash of the cursor is ridicule

Saying “I dare you you little fool”

So with a deep deep breath

And a trepidation of an unknown depth

My fingers started dancing

The words started advancing

You can do this, you can write

You can share your world

You can do this, you can write

Let it all unfurl

So today, I write

Today I begin

Today I fight

The battle of within

I've struggled to begin, because, well, when life is so chaotic and confusing, where do you begin?  Today...  the only place I can begin is the now.  And maybe that is why I haven't written.  

Now is a lot for me.  Sometimes to much.  Sometimes way, way to much.  Life is a lot.  I dream of days where it is not so much. 

I am beginning this chapter by doing Celebrate Recovery at Central Church.  I've joined step study.  I need to get my life together.  I need to feel like I can do it.  

I'm in week one of Celebrate Recovery...and our assignment includes a question, what parts of your life do you have control?  I've thought about this, for a LOOONNNGGGGG time.  The truth is, I don't feel like I have any part of my life in control right now.  I can't think of one thing that I'm really doing for me and about me, and I've been consistently sustaining and doing it for any length of time, and I feel good about it.  That's depressing.  And EYE OPENING!  I have no follow through, and I need that to change.

How can I not think of one thing in my life that I have control of.  Not ONE thing.  I continually just go with the flow and I allow events and other people dictate my life.  I let my fears dictate what I do.   I do not dictate my life.  I'm always ready to be able to respond to everyone else's life's needs, wants, and emergencies but somehow can't figure out how to take care of me.

The next question I ask myself...  who am I?  The only answer I have is a mother.  I don't know who I am anymore.  My life has been so dedicated to being there for everyone else, I forgot about me.  I'm not sure what I like anymore.  I'm not sure what I think is fun.  I used to love interacting with people, today, I just want to hide.

I am on a journey of healing...  Its time to let go of my hangups, my lack of love for myself.

1 Corinthians 2:3:  I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling

You are welcome to join me on this journey...

muchluv~m~